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Chinatown
Be very wary or you may be on Chinatowns menu.]] Chinatowns are impoverished ghettos quaint neighborhoods filled with criminals colorful residents and steeped in violence cultural heritage. Located in Honolulu, New York, Los Angeles San Francisco and several other major cities that thrive on drugs and crime rich ethnic diversity. Chinatowns are where teens go to buy alcohol, prostitutes, fireworks, switchblades (and other assorted exotic weapons). Also to view weird, live porn and get mugged by the Wu-Tang Clan. Chinatowns History . Chinatowns continue to languish prosper today.]] with knitting needle dipped in bear turds shoved in your skull.]] After being exploited gainfully employed to build America's vast railroad network in the mid 19th century and being worth too little to sell off as slaves employ in other professions. The Chinese were deported relocated to Concentration Camps beautiful Ethnic-American villages, called Chink Camps Chinatowns. Chinatowns Today Our Yellow Friends have been very oppressed happy living in their various Chinatowns around The Greatest Country In The Universe. Let's take a tour through their prison quaint little villages and see what our criminal industrious and clever Yellow Friends (not that we see color) are up to... Chinatowns Landmarks by these local Super Heroes. Don't mess with the Dog! If you think he's tough, try messin' with Beth, she packs more than just gigantic boobs heat.]] and Paris Hilton. Be sure to take the kiddies to see the Pedophile Petting SHU (Special Housing Unit).]] Each Chinatown offers visitors their own unique experience. Be sure to see the following landmarks in America's different Chinatowns: Honolulu: * Dog the Bounty Hunter Bail Bonds * Hung Far Low Opium Den Los Angeles: * L.A. County Jail * Day's Inn Downtown (Some reports indicate these may be the same place.) New York City: * NYPD's 5th and 7th Precincts (NYPD has Chinatown surrounded) * "The Chinese Hand Laundry Alliance" Headquarters and Museum San Francisco: * The Tong Palace Restaurant (Great spot to hob nob with Chinese gangsters) * Ginger's Trois (Chinese gangster Gay Bar) All Chinatowns Locations: * Dumpsters full of dead tourists. * The "No Tickee" Laundry * Dragon Lady's Nine Inch Nail Salon * Lucy Liu's Happy Endings Massage Parlor * Dead whores in alleys Exotic Dishes Found Only In Chinatowns The Chinatowns tourist will find an exciting and delicious (the one English word all Chinese street vendors seem to know) array of exotic delicacies, ranging from the unusal to the downright disgusting, there is sure to be something to please everone's palate. Businesses Found In Chinatowns , Lo Pan's is truly a "full service" establishment.]] t-shirts and "No I.D." alchohol, teens throng to Chinatowns nationwide.]] and prone to the most random acts of violence, visitors are cautioned to avoid these punks.]] * Black Market Organ Traders * Mogwai Vendors * Opium Dens * Live octopus bars * Slave Markets * Massage Parlors * Fortune Tellers * Hand Laundries * Kung Fu Dojos * Whorehouses * Pool Halls * By the hour Roach Motels Day's Inns * Drug Dealers * Murder Incorporated * Dens of Iniquity * Chinese Medicine Apothecaries (Were they sell Bear gall bladders and stuff too gross for Voodoo Shops.) * Bail Bondsmen * Sweat Shops * Weapons Dealers * Rollux Watches, Pravda/Goochi/Looie Vittoon Purse and Soni Televisions. Famous Peoples From Chinatowns , our little Yellow Friends were able to prosper and acheive great things. Like being a slave houseboy on The Ponderosa.]] s to root out and capture mobsters and Nazis throughout the 1930's and 1940's]] * Charlie Chan * And his Number One Son * Hop Sing * Jack Nicholson * Kato Kalin (Green Hornet's houseboy, hired after he lost his job with The Juice) * Wu-Tang Clan * David Carradine * Mike Hammer A Typical Day In A Chinatowns and the Tongs own the streets in the Chinatowns. Be prepared to offer a significant "tribute."]] with a splash of Water buffalo piss, served with a raw shrimp.]] * Have your car jacked while parking. * Get sinking feeling as you walk through gates of Hell Chinatowns. * Molested by street vendors. * Drink three Buddhatinis. * Purchase throwing stars, nunchuks and fire crackers. * Sit down on bag with throwing stars, puncture ass. * Hit self in head with nunchuks. * Regain conciousness. * Blow tip off index finger with firecracker. * Get mugged * Purchase knock-off watch and handbag to replace real ones that were stolen. * Three more Buddhatinis to kill pain. * Eat something disgusting for lunch. * More Buddhatinis to wash it down. * Get food poisioning. * Stumble into alley to puke up Buddhatinis and octopus that is still alive. * Watch in horror as octopus scurries away and disappears down drain. * Get mugged again. * Buy counterfeit Judas Priest Live at the Budokan t-shirt to replace shirt that got covered in blood during explosion/mugging. * More Buddhatinis. * Buy massage with last 40 bucks you hid in shoe. * Catch STD from whore massuese. * Puke again. * Get lost leaving massage parlor. * Mugged again. * Get your nostril lacerated by thug with switchblade because you having nothing left to steal. * Still lost, wander drunk and bleeding through alleys. * Get murdered for your kidneys. Liver is shot from too many Buddhatinis. Strange Customs in Chinatowns * It is polite to burp after eating a big plate of dog. * It is acceptable to "re-eat" your live octopus after it climbs back out of your throat. * Checking under a prostitutes skirt to determine true gender prior to payment, is considered "good form." Chinatowns Travel Tips or adequate firepower can be a harrowing experience.]] the Gremlin. And if you get one wet, lookout! They multiply faster than Mexican teenagers at a Cinco de Mayo party.]] Chinatowns Don't DO NOT: * Under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES be tricked into purchasing a Mogwai. * Get lost. * Feed the dragons or dancing bears. * Use the pointed end of your chopstick to push the tentacle back in your nose when your octopus tries to climb out. That's what the blunt end is for. * Speak the Chinese you just learned from Rosetta Stone. With hundreds of dialects you can easily say something that will get your lungs cut out and sold for transplantaion. * Drive a nice car, wear nice clothes and jewelry or carry any bills larger than a five. * Go unarmed. * Eat anything unless you've had a Cholera shot. * Think the live Octopus won't try to climb back out. Chinatowns Do lovers and Kung Fu Masters.]] DO: * Become a Kung Fu Master first. * Conspicuously carry a big firearm. * Go with Jack Bauer, David Carradine or a large contingent of Hells Angels, U.S. Marines or WWF Wrestlers. * Try out the massage parlors and opium dens. * Leave a trail of bread crumbs back to your car so you can point out the spot it was stolen to the Police. * Carry a can of Stephen Colbert's Godless Killing Machines Repellent. * Wear a well-worn Martial Arts Gi with a very Black Belt. * Avoid Chinatown completely, go to the mall and have dinner at Olive Garden. Fun Chinatowns Factoids and with nearby freeway access, Chinatowns are easy to find.]] all rookie same to Asians. Rook rike Abe Rinkin, even more Rike Andrew Jackson".]] when the sun goes down.]] * Located on the map next to Toontown. * Birthplace of Dragons and Gremlins. * Second only to Washington D.C. for Homocides. * Only place to buy rare White Rhinoceros Horn. * Get's even scarier after dark. * Police won't go there in groups of less than 10. * Acceptable forms of ID at bars in Chinatowns is any U.S. currency. See Also *Chinatown *Chinese *Chinese (food) *Chinese (language) *Chinese (people) *China *Gremlins *Stephen's Yellow Friends